Weight a Minute, Do You Want Thighs With That?

sizeIt seems to be a bi-annual routine in my life to clean my closet out, not because it’s the changing of the seasons or because I’m a clean freak (I wish), but because my clothes don’t fit (again). Sometimes it is a good thing, my pants are too large and starting to look saggy, then 6 months later my new “slim” pants are too small and I’m back to my old size! The ritual is always the same, start a weight loss program – successfully lose weight – happily pack up my “fat” clothes to donate – buy new clothes – gain back the weight! Repeat!

The sad part is, each time I lose weight, each time I buy smaller pants or blouses I tell myself that this time the weight will stay off. However, life continues to happen, and old habits die hard (and wine and ice cream taste really, really good)! Sadly, I always end up back to that same size, the size I don’t like, the size that screams like a beacon in the night guiding my ass into port.

So the question is – do I work harder to loss the weight or learn to love me, just the way I am!

I don’t know which one would be harder to do. Since high school I’ve tried every fade diet out there, everyone secret herb, vitamin, oil, every plan. I try to move more and eat less and for the most part I don’t over indulge. Yet, here I stand, staring at the numbers on the scale still hovering above the same 30-50lbs over the “sweet spot” where I want to be. I have successfully lost and found the same 40lbs over and over again. Although I can’t say the same for my mind!

I have wasted a lot of time worrying about my weight, worrying about how people would look at me or judge me or like me based of the size of my hips & thighs. If someone doesn’t want to be a friend because my ass doesn’t fit neatly into a size 4, 6 or 8 or because my thighs have their own time zone, then they don’t deserve to know me.

WOW, that is tough talk for a women who stares into the mirror each morning hoping the view changes! It’s so easy to talk the talk, walking the walk is much harder after years of judging yourself harshly! How do you change years of negative thinking? In other aspects of my life I am rather self-assured, I’m smart, successful and funny; but that one thing keeps weighing me down (pun intended) and always seems to get under my skin!size2

Queen said “Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round” – maybe that’s my destiny, to make the world go round or at least my little part of the world! Calling all Fat Bottom Girls – here is to loving who you are and how you look, full figured, big busted, hippy and beautiful!

Size is just a number and being happy and healthy is all that matters!

The Christmas ASS ~ Dec 26, 2014 ~ Goodbye

It’s December 26 and ASS’ job has ended,
Time to leave those that he has befriended!
Santa has called him back to the pole,
Twenty five days of spying has taken its toll!

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The Christmas ASS needs a little R & R,
But don’t worry too much – he will never be far!
You’ll never know when he may pop in for a spell,
To check in and make sure you are all doing well!

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Christmas ASS wishes you peace, love and much more,
Laughter and happiness and smiles galore!
May your days be cheerful and future so bright,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!!

The Christmas ASS ~ Dec 25, 2014 ~ Christmas Ball

Christmas Ball (Sung to the tune of Miley Cyrus Wreaking Ball)
Watch THe Christmas ASS’ Music Video at http://youtu.be/cUuLhnHRXxU

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Oh silent night, the stars so bright
Sugar plums dancing in my head,
The carolers sing, the bells will ring
The kids are tucked up in their beds!

Don’t you ever pout, don’t you even shout
Cuz ASS is watching you,
You can’t even cry, and I’ll tell you why
He sees everything all that you do!

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He came in like a Christmas ball
He dressed up like a Santa Claus,
All he wanted was to deck the halls
All he wanted was to he-e-e-lp you!
Yeah he-e-e-lp you!

The tree is bright, I’ve strung the lights
Pour a cup, full of good cheer,
The stockings are hung, the bells have rung,
Don’t forget to leave Santa a beer!

Don’t you ever say he was naughty,
ASS was always good
He is watching you, everything you do
So you should be too,

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He came in like a Christmas ball
He dressed up like a Santa Claus,
All he wanted was to deck the halls
All he wanted was to he-e-e-lp you!

He came in like a Christmas ball
He dressed up like a Santa Claus,
All he wanted was to deck the halls
All he wanted was to he-e-e-lp you!
Yeah – he-e-e-lp you!

I was my job to spy on you
I just wanted you to be your best,
To let Santa know that you’ve good
I didn’t mean to be so obsessed
I was my job to spy on you
I just wanted you to be your best,
To let Santa know that you’ve good

Don’t you ever say he was naughty,
ASS was always good

He came in like a Christmas ball
He dressed up like a Santa Claus,
All he wanted was to deck the halls
All he wanted was to he-e-e-lp you!

He came in like a Christmas ball
He dressed up like a Santa Claus,
All he wanted was to deck the halls
All he wanted was to he-e-e-lp you!
Yeah – he-e-e-lp you!

The Christmas Ass ~ Dec 21, 2014 ~ Mr. Gray

The morning after can be such a pain
ASS had to do the walk of shame!
What had he done, who did he kiss,
Would it get him on the naughty list?

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Saturday night the ASS let his hair down,
What he had done would make Santa frown!
ASS thought to himself and then he smiled,
It was those girls that had gone wild!

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So he stepped over the line, he’d made a mess,
But even the ASS had to let go of stress!
ASS needs a good spanking, but he liked it that way,
If you look very closely, ASS is Fifty Shades of Gray!

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The Christmas ASS ~ Dec 20, 2014 ~ Card Shark

With Christmas round the corner, ASS needed to chill out,
He called up some friends, they’d relax him no doubt!
ASS hoped in the car and headed down the 401,
Picking up Barbie and her friends, this was going to be fun!

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What shall they play? Something that wouldn‘t be lame,
ASS talked the girls, into a friendly card game!
ASS dealt up the cards, and handed out the chips,
If the girls lost their hands then they’d have to strip!

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With an ace up his sleeve, and a few cards to spare,
Strip poker didn’t worry him, as he was already bare!
But the girls should be concerned about the ASS’s bite and bark,
For what they didn’t know was ASS was a real card shark!

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ASS won the first hand, the girls started to stress,
And Barbie’s friend Sally was the first to lose her dress!
The ASS was in heaven, this idea was quite cleaver,
This was turning out to be ASS’s best night ever!

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The Christmas ASS ~ Dec 18, 2014 ~ Lights, Action, Sing

It was the ASS’ routine every Thursday at three,IMG_1836
To check all the lights on the ole Christmas tree!
So he climbed to the top, and checked each little string,
And tighten the bulbs so they twinkle and bling!

 

The trip to the top, was a chore on its own,
For an ASS so little, who was barely full grown!
So after the task, ASS deserved a big treat,
So he sang with the carolers out on the street!

 

What was wrong with the carolers, they didn’t look well,
In fact they kind of looked fake and freaky as hell!
But ASS sang along and he was soon to discover,IMG_1864
You can’t judge a book by the weird creepy cover!

 

 

 

 

 

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The Christmas Ass ~ Dec 14, 2014 ~ Kids

DSC_0149Oh crap the kids found him, the ASS was exposed,
The ASS had to play possum, or else he be hosed!
He found himself in the middle of a tug o war game,
Pulled back and forth, it was getting quite lame!

The ASS thought to himself, how’d that stupid Elf do this each day,IMG_1953
Just sit on the shelf and watch children play!
Those kids were crazy and kept the ASS on his toes,
Sometimes he thought this job he has blows!

He reached to out to Santa for a word of advice,
ASS was told to have patience it would be worth the price!IMG_1956
So he let the kids play until they put him down,
Then ASS drown his sorrows in a bottle of Crown!

 

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